A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that – write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns?”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man.
He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
An elderly man visited the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” said the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”
“Well,” said Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”
Concerned, the doctor found Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and told her what her husband had said.
“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she said. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days afterward, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc – ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”’
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.'”
Two elderly men were sitting beside each other in a barbershop.
One of them said to the other, “Now that you’re turning 80, how do you honestly feel?”
“Honestly? Like a newborn baby!”
“Well, I’ve got no teeth, no hair, and I can’t stop wetting myself!”
John’s wife woke up one morning feeling completely deflated.
“My word, I feel like my mind has almost completely gone!”
“Are you really surprised?” John asked.
“Why would you say that, John?”
“Because you’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for fifty years!”
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions:
Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
“Doctor, I think my wife’s going deaf. She never answers a single question I ask her.”
“Try this,” the doctor began. “Stand quite some distance away from her and ask her something. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and try again. Keep on doing this until she finally answers, so that we can gauge how serious the problem is.”
As soon as he got through his home’s front door, the man asked his wife what they were having for supper.
When he didn’t hear an answer, he moved forward a couple of feet and asked again. Still no answer.
He keeps on repeating this until he’s only mere inches away from her face.
Finally, she said, “FOR THE FIFTEENTH TIME, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN PIE!”
Two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparents’ home.
When it was time for bed, the two boys knelt down and began to say some prayers.
Suddenly, the younger brother started yelling at the top of his voice, “I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE! I PRAY FOR A NEW COMPUTER! I PRAY FOR A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND!” and so on…
His older brother leaned over and whispered, “There’s no need to shout. God isn’t deaf.”
“I know,” said the younger brother. “But Grandma sure is!”
An elderly man sees an old friend crying in a bar.
He goes up to him and asks him how everything’s going in his life?
“Wonderful,” his friend answers. “I just got married to the most desirable woman a man could ever lay his eyes on!”
“So why are you crying, my friend?”
“Because I can’t remember where I live!”
After 70 years of marriage, a man is asked why the secret of a long and successful marriage is.
“It’s simple,” he replied. “Two nights a week we go to a quiet restaurant and enjoy exquisite food, some candlelight, soft music, and a slow walk home.
“She goes on Wednesdays, and I go on Saturdays.”
A 100-year-old woman was being interviewed by a journalist.
“What’s the best thing about being a hundred?” he asked.
“No peer pressure,” came the reply.