A mother under the username OP posted a question about whether it was OK to set up savings accounts for her biological children and not for her step-child on Reddit.
The parent of two offspring and one bonus child posted on the popular subreddit AmITheA–hole to find out if others felt that it was acceptable to not create a savings account for a non-biological child from a spouse’s previous relationship. Many users agreed.
When she married her husband, she did not have any children. However, he already had a daughter from a previous relationship who was four years old.
“All of that to say, since she was 4, I have taken an active role in parenting/nurturing her even when I was told I’m not her mother and have no say even though I did/do 99% of her care and needs when she is with us,” the Reddit OP shared,
She explains that she later had two children, her husband.
“When I found out I was pregnant [with my first], I immediately started a savings account and routed money to there every pay period. Once I got pregnant again, I doubled the amount so that my kids could have an equal amount,” she explained. “I told my partner about this in passing, but he didn’t really care. He doesn’t contribute to the account. It’s only me, and I’m the only one with access.”
When OP revisited the topic of savings months following their initial discussion, she wanted to be proactive about what would happen in the future when their kids receive the money after graduation.
OP said, “I asked him if he and her mother started saving for her, and he said they hadn’t discussed it or ever started anything. I said he probably should since, as her mother isn’t reliable in terms of money, and our two will, in fact, be given that money after graduation, and I don’t want any animosity over it.”
OP and her husband agreed on the subject. However, the topic resurfaced when she and some friends discussed saving money for children after viewing a TikTok.
“I said my kids both have accounts and money specifically set up for them. They asked about my bonus daughter, and I said, ‘I will ensure she is safe, fed, and knows she is loved when she is with us, but she’s not my child or my responsibility. So why would I take away from my bio kids to give to her when she has two parents that can do for her what I do for mine alone?’”
Her friend has a different opinion on the matter. They told her she should provide the same opportunity for her bonus daughter if she genuinely accepts her situation.
She asked for opinions on Reddit because she feels she treats her bonus daughter the same as her other children. But she explained how she thought she should not have the responsibility “to do what her parents don’t care to.”
Although many users supported her decisions, one user wrote, “Your partner and his ex sound like pretty irresponsible parents, and it sounds like you’re in it (or planning to be in it) for the long haul with this guy. You say you do 99% of this girl’s care. You are this girl’s de facto parent.”
“You may be very aware of the division between your kids and her, but is she? Does she and will she grow thinking of you as a parent, of you and your partner as a parental unit? How will she feel about all this one day? It just feels intensely unfair for her to get left behind because her bio parents are kinda sucky,” they continued.
“If I were you, I’d set aside for her as well while pushing her father to do it and his ex. Ideally, they pick up the slack there, and you don’t have to continue contributing indefinitely, but she ends up in the same place as her siblings.”